In case we die: Particle Physics and the LHC Explained
Please note that tomorrow is the day that CERN’s Large Hadron Collider comes online. Scientists say it probably won’t create a black hole that will destroy the Earth, but in case it does I’m taking the rest of the day off. Although, to be serious and scientific about it, the first zap will only be half a tera-electron-volt, and I assume that the universe will only be torn asunder when they ramp it up to the full five TeV over the coming months. And I think my sister has worked on some of the software that runs the thing, so at least I’ll have someone to yell at on the phone while the world is being squashed into a 9-millimeter-wide ball of condensed matter.
(Note how the woman on the right does NOT look tight. She thinks the thing is about to destroy the entire Earth, including her prized collection of ceramic cat figurines.)
Now, if you’re scratching your head about what this whole LHC deal is all about, I’ve read the website and I can tell you exactly how it works. You see, scientists have realised that the universe as we know it does not make sense. For the longest time they thought it did, but the overwhelming weight of evidence finally convinced them and now they are just as confused as everybody else. Except the scientists have a tentative hypothesis. If there is virtually no sense in the universe we know, it must have leaked away into other dimensions. Therefore we must locate these other dimensions in order to find the missing sense, and then use that sense to explain away all the nonsense in the dimensions we inhabit. Of particular interest is gravity. Gravity makes no frickin’ sense, and that’s according to people who would totally understand it if it were possible to understand in the first place. In all likelihood, they say, most of what makes gravity work has leaked into another dimension and the interesting stuff is all happening over there.
So, we have to find out more about these other dimensions. In order to do this, we must take some atoms (which don’t make sense) and smash them to bits to find out more about the stuff that makes them up (which might make sense if we let Steven Hawking have a go at explaining it). Steven Hawking will then publish a series of papers outlining what’s going on in the other dimensions and his house will be filled so full of Nobel Prizes that he won’t be able to get in the front door. After that the universe will make complete sense, and we will all sleep a bit easier.
That’s assuming, of course, that the LHC doesn’t destroy the Earth in the process. Hell, maybe tomorrow all that’s left of humankind will be Voyagers 1 and 2 and the decaying signal of tv’s Make Me a Supermodel. Probably not though. PROBABLY NOT.
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Did you say tomorrow?
Oh well, at least it will get me out of parent-teacher interviews.
Comment by Ross — Tuesday September 9 2008 @ 7:21 pm
That’s the spirit! Even apocalypse has an upside!
Comment by Mark — Tuesday September 9 2008 @ 7:30 pm
So the magic eight ball was right about me taking a sickie tomorrow? Yay.
Stupid scientists. They should be studying magic eight balls instead. Those things just know…
Comment by nailpolishblues — Tuesday September 9 2008 @ 9:41 pm
Theoretical physicists have produced theories that are truely weird haven’t they.
Dr. Einstein had a simpler and more comprehensible vision of an understandable universe.
If Dr Einstein was correct, then Hawking Radiation is wrong, safety arguments are flawed and Earth may not be safe from slow moving micro black holes. [0]
[0] http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19726485.700-quantum-randomness-may-not-be-random.html Quantum Randomness May Not Be Random
Safety of the Large Hadron Collider is unknown, the experiment is unprecedented in nature and planetary risk has not been conclusively excluded.
The safety opposition alleges CERN is misrepresenting the certainty of safety and did not properly address[9] compelling opposition arguments by credible senior scientists including visiting professor of Physics Dr. Otto Rössler[1][2] and Physics PHD Dr. Rainer Plaga[3].
Planetary safety arguments include disputed cosmic ray arguments[1][2][3] and refuted Hawking Radiation[4][5].
Earlier in 2008 CERN acknowledged that if micro black holes were created[6] by head-on collissions in particle colliders some would travel too slowly to escape Earth while cosmic ray created stable micro black holes would not be stopped by Earth.[7] This safety argument flaw was as discovered by former Cosmic Ray Researcher, California Math Champion and Nuclear Safety Officer Walter L. Wagner.[8]
[1] wissensnavigator.com/documnets/OTTOROESSLERMINIBLACKHOLE.pdf Abraham-Solution to Schwarzschild Metric Implies That CERN Miniblack Holes Pose a Planetary Risk, Prof. Dr. Otto Rossler (2008)
[2] wissensnavigator.com/documents/spiritualottoeroessler.pdf A Rational and Moral and Spiritual Dilemma - Otto E. Rössler Safety Counter Arguments (2008)
[3] arxiv.org/PS_cache/arxiv/pdf/0808/0808.1415v1.pdf On the potential catastrophic risk from metastable quantum-black holes produced at particle colliders - Rainer Plaga Rebuttal (2008)
[4] xxx.lanl.gov/abs/gr-qc/0304042 Do black holes radiate?. Dr. Adam Helfer (2003)
[5] arxiv.org/abs/gr-qc/0607137, On the existence of black hole evaporationyet again, Prof. VA Belinski (2006)
[6] cerncourier.com/cws/article/cern/29199 The case for mini black holes, CERN Courier (2004)
[7] http://www.lhcconcerns.com/LHCConcerns/Forums/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=2&st=0&sk=t&sd=a&start=10 LHC Safety Assessment Group, LHC Safety Procedures, 16 Mar 2008
[8] lhcdefense.org/lhc_legal.php US Federal Lawsuit Filings - Walter L. Wagner (2008)
[9] ingentaconnect.com/content/bpl/risk/2006/00000026/00000001/art00006 Scientific Peer Review to Inform Regulatory Decision Making: A European Perspective (2006)
Comment by JTankers — Wednesday September 10 2008 @ 12:17 am
Damn. I wish I didn’t have to work on the day of the apocalypse. Story of my life man.
Very entertaining summation of the situation tho. :)
Comment by Becky — Wednesday September 10 2008 @ 1:17 pm
Nails - God does not play 8-ball.
JTankers - tl;dr
Becky - thx. Hope you didn’t forget to take the time to enjoy your potentially-final shift ;)
Comment by Mark — Thursday September 11 2008 @ 1:01 am
Isn’t the world going to be ended soon by a drunk Sarah Palin hitting the wrong button with the butt of her rifle? That’s what Mystic Sheen at our fairground told me…
Comment by Michael Lee — Thursday September 11 2008 @ 9:37 pm
Which god?
Comment by nailpolishblues — Thursday September 11 2008 @ 9:42 pm
Michael - Crap! The atom will get us in the end, one way or another. Who would have guessed that something so tiny would have so many ingenious ways of destroying us?
Shelley - Einstein’s God, I guess. Probably Bohr’s as well.
Comment by Mark — Thursday September 11 2008 @ 10:57 pm
I’m trying to stay positive about the atom, maybe focus on other dangers…if I don’t think about it, it won’t happen (fingers in the ears).
The atom probably is responsible for Jason Mraz…I’m scared…
Comment by Michael Lee — Friday September 12 2008 @ 7:02 am
Dude Jason Mraz IS atoms. He’s basically made of them!
Comment by Mark — Saturday September 13 2008 @ 12:21 am
No he’s made of evil and smarm, the atoms have abandoned him (they don’t want anything to do with him)
Comment by Michael Lee — Saturday September 13 2008 @ 1:07 pm
Isn’t the LHC all about finding out what make up the evil and smarm - and the other bits that aren’t atoms as we know them…?
Comment by nailpolishblues — Saturday September 13 2008 @ 6:20 pm
Well if that’s a plea to lock Jason Mraz in the Collider and leave him to it, I’m all for it! Let’s find out what he’s made of!
Then he won’t have to sing
Comment by Michael Lee — Saturday September 13 2008 @ 8:42 pm
Er, Michael Lee? I have no idea of who Jason Mraz is. I’m quite happy in my ignorance too. I do rather like the idea of locking people up in the Collider though. I think I could come up with an entire list…
Comment by nailpolishblues — Sunday September 14 2008 @ 4:05 pm