Guinea Piggery - it’s all for science, and a free box of wheaties.
This morning I went to the factory of a Well Known Breakfast Cereal to be in a study on glucose levels and their effect on concentration. The idea, I think, was to do a basic intelligence test, then eat bowl of Well Known Breakfast Cereal, and then do another test to prove you get smarter after eating said breakfast cereal.
Along with a bunch of other students, I was made to memorise a shopping list that was read out by the head psychologist guy, and simulataneously do some weird hand motions that, presumably, tested my motor skills. The whole group was recorded on video cameras doing the hand actions, and our versions of the shopping lists were taken for marking later. After a few readings, we switched to another list, then went back to the first, by which time they’d given up on making us do the hand actions. I must say, we were all pretty crap at these tests, but what do they expect? Testing students’ intelligence at eight AM in the morning is kinda pointless, and it certainly doesn’t make for a good real-life scenario. It was good for a laugh though, especially the standardsing test where we had to pronounce words like ‘naieve’, ’subtle’ and ‘Drachm’ to show how dumb we were, and the survey forms that seemed bent on discovering our secret inner misery:
Sucidal thoughts:
1. I do not think about suicide.
2. I often have suicidal thoughts but I would never act on them.
3. I regularly contemplate ending my own life.
4. I will commit suicide as soon as I’ve completed this survey (JK)
Also, I discovered something new to feel inadeqate about - I don’t bleed very well. They needed blood samples to measure our glucose levels and, well, it may not be much, but I thought it was quite embarassing to stand there flinging my hand around like a twit while the psychologist guy waited with his glucose meter for the small but recalcitrant bit of blood needed for the test. In the end he made me squeeze my finger like a cheese tube and so much blood came out he immediately offered me a bandaid. I don’t clot very well either, I guess.
So I’ve got two tickets for the movies and twenny bucks for my trouble. Anyone want to go see ‘Stepford Wives?’
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You only thought they were testing a breakfast cereal. Really they want to clone you. Hence the blood. Of course, they have to screen possible clone blueprints first to make sure they aren’t all wiggy- that’s why they asked you questions. I should know- I’m a scientist.
Comment by sarahred — Thursday July 29 2004 @ 7:25 am
I reckon they were taking DNA samples for a huge police database. It helps to pre-emptively collect such samples before people commit criminal offences. They tend to be less forthcoming once they’ve committed the offence.
Comment by Ben — Thursday July 29 2004 @ 1:33 pm
If it was Nutri Grain they were probably testing to see if you could work out if it was sugary crap posing as health food.
Comment by anthony — Thursday July 29 2004 @ 2:07 pm
You remind me of my mother. She does not bleed well either.
Comment by Clare — Thursday July 29 2004 @ 3:57 pm
Heh. Carita signed up for that test, too.
Comment by Robert — Thursday July 29 2004 @ 10:17 pm
Funny.. was a guinea-pig meself this morning. I think the suicidal qs may be because depression affects concentration/memory.
I have visions of a new phrase cropping up on said Well Known Co. products : ‘research has shown that [insert product name] significantly improves your brain power by [insert%]!’
Comment by blah — Friday July 30 2004 @ 11:54 am
Like the very over-rated ’smart’ jellybeans in the vending machines at Uni. Good point about depression, though.
Comment by Mark — Saturday July 31 2004 @ 12:25 am