I had a chance to drive the panel van at work today. It’s a big white Falcon - EF, I think - from the mid to late eighties. It’s an absolute monster, with blind spots big enough to hide a semi-trailer in and the most filthy bogan interior you’ve ever seen. But I jumped at the oppportunity because it’s such a great car to drive (and let’s face it, I was bored out of my fucking skull, too).

The van has a big engine that accelerates without too much effort and makes the whole car vibrate in a very satisfying way at traffic lights. You know could be going at a million miles an hour, but you aren’t - therefore you must be cruising along in a relaxed fashion, and because you know that, you actually feel more relaxed. There’s also a bench seat which you can hang your left arm over to complete the ultimate cruisy driving picture. Despite being full of cigarette butts and old drink bottles, it’s a kickass car.

Anyhoo, when I was down at Mallacoota last summer (on the coast about half an hour from the NSW border) this lesbian couple set up camp across the road from us. They had a big Falcon panel van like the one just described, with a full-on double mattress in the back. (We were all extremely jealous of the mattress after a few weeks sleeping on leaky lilos.) Anyway, we didn’t talk to them much, except once when the Iranian family next door showed us all where to catch fish at the river (in exchange for us showing them where to find mussels). Dad started up a conversation with one of the women, which was, like, the high point of his entire vacation. It turned out they were on holiday travelling around in their panel van, and they were headed to… - well, wherever. She had a job doing something somewhere and her girlfriend was from Darwin, or had lived there or perhaps it was Derby or somewhere else. I can’t remember; it’s not really the point. I decided that we had nothing in common, so lesbian or not, I would have to leave her alone. Dad took a little longer to work that out, but I think he had some stories about Darwin.

Anyway, nondescript holidaying lesbians aside, I think the idea of having a great big panel van is totally the pants, and one day I’ll get myself one and go away on big long trips along the coast. iPod gaffa-taped to the dashboard, seat all the way back, and wearing a sensible light-coloured long-sleeve shirt for sun potection: destination unknown ;-)