So we were down at the queer fair in Victoria Park and looking at all the different stalls - gay pet accessories, gay scuba divers, gay law firms and so on - and we found, right next to the ‘God loves me too’ tent, a humble and unassuming people known as the Clitocracy. And an interesting bunch they are. Their philosophy is a mixture of Raelianism and unorthodox feminish socialism, and they’re not half mad either, as their slogan suggests:

Yes to Pleasure and
Femininity!
No more god, no more guilt!
We are 55% of the world’s
population !
Women can rule the world using
Democracy

Basically the story goes that prophet Rael was visited in 1973 by Yaweh - who was actually an alien with green skin and pointy eyes, if the illustration on my pocket-sized ‘Raelianism Explained’ information card is correct - as was told that life on earth was created by aliens using D.N.A. Along the way, the aliens came down to earth to chat with people who then became the prophets of all the major religions, thus unintenionally creating the idea of god. When he came down in ‘73, Yahweh wanted everyone to know that all the ‘god’ stuff had just been a mistake, and that everyone should start building an embassy for the aliens because they were coming back to earth (and presumably wanted to start taking off-planet visa applications right away.) So Rael started writing his books to spread the word and the cult of Raelianism was born.

Now I don’t know how the Clitocracy jumped on the bandwagon , but I can almost be certain that it happened in California. The Clitocracy believes in the baring of breasts in public (not an uncommon practice) and that since women make up more than half of the world’s population they are democratically entitled to push everyone around. War, famine, pestilence and death are all primarily caused by men waving their penises around, so if women held the reins the world would be a better place. Another big Clitocratic belief is that there is no God and everyone is free to be lesbian if they want. In fact, that would be just dandy, seeing as girl-power is destined to rule the world.

Perhaps I don’t need to go into detail about why the Clitocracy is a menace to society, but oh how I want to mention a few points: 1) just because someone mistook an alien for God doesn’t mean that God doesn’t exist. Who created the aliens? 2) Democracy, in theory, means that everyone gets a say equally, not that the majority should always have their way. And 3) any political party led by a devotion to genitalia cannot govern a cuntry. As Kat says:

Listening to your clit isn’t always a good idea.

So true. In fact, if I tried to start a Cocktocracy, society would be in ruins within five minutes. Blondes would be sent off into the desert, the economy would be ruined by overproduction of electric guitars, and my hastily constructed ‘Temple of Zooey’ would collapse killing scores of innocent Cocktocratic citizens. So let us all chill and be thankful that the Lesbians and Raelians are just a bunch of crackpot losers who’ll never amount to anything.

in Sydney,
Paper Trap