It was fancy dress so I went as a cowboy. I thought that was a fine idea but people wanted to know what was so scary about a cowboy, like it really mattered. Kat was there as Velma from Scooby Doo and her boyfriend was Shaggy. The best costume was Adrian’s - he came as an Abstract form of Distress, wearing nought but a towel, motorcycle goggles and washing-up gloves. Come to think of it, that was a really wanky costume.

I gave Kat gave Kat a bubble-blower because it was her birthday as well and hung out with Morgan (a very convincing convict) in the kitchen. Emma showed up, like she does every year or so, walked in and stole my heart talking about how she’s been mapping vegetation in Malaysia, then went off to the punch bowl and left early after that. I guess I won’t see her for another year but, in a strange way, I think we’re developing some kind of very very low tempo flirting relationship that might see me getting her number in, like, fifteen years.

Word got around that Morgan was naked in a play last year and that he was ‘equipped’, so to speak. (Morgan started the rumour himself of course). Anyhow, he was eventually dacked by this girl called Angie who we’d just met - she apparently couldn’t take his word for it. It was kinda disturbing so you’re better off not trying to picture it. Think of the birthday cake, which was vanilla icecream with chocolate chips and green food colouring in and jaffas on top, sculpted into a colourful lump like a Gaudi roof. Mmm, that’s better.

Then Candice smashed her guitar on the patio and threw it on the fire. When I went home I took the head so I could use the tuning keys to repair my old guitar. Which I did.