As inaccurately retold by Mark. Do not read this if you are easily grossed out.

Rob: “So these guys are in the living room and I’m in the other room working and I guess they must have been mucking around, ‘cos one guy’s got his penis out and he’s waving it at the other. Then the other guy lunges for the penis, to grab it, and the first one zips himself up really fast and he catches part of his penis in the zipper.

I come out and he’s screaming and swearing his head off and the other guys are standing there pissing themselves laughing.

I figured someone had to take charge, so I tried to yank the zipper, but it was too stuck. Then I tried to yank it even harder, but it still wouldn’t move. So I cut the zipper out of his pants and we went off to hospital.

They had a special took for pushing the bits of metal apart. He seemed to recover pretty quickly.”

We never did manage to get Rob to tell us which band it was.

Sam: “They say the rate of cannabalism among barn chickens is higher than among battery chickens”

Mark: “Cannabalism?”

Sam: “Yeah. It’s more out of curiosity than hunger. See, they groom each other and peck at each other’s necks until the skin gets irritated and the feathers fall off. Then the chicken will keep grooming and find the other chicken’s bum and think ‘what’s this?’ and, you know, peck at it until it starts to bleed. Then, once they taste blood, they just keep pecking.”

Mark: “Yuk.”

Rob: (in his best pirate voice) “Yarr, she pecked my arse ’till I died!”

The idea is that in a battery, there’s less room to turn around and peck another chicken’s butt.