Gemini: Today is a good day for drinking and watching porn. Why not call in sick?

Aries: Today will bring romantic possibilities. Have a few drinks to relax your nerves.

Virgo: Someone is having a party and you’re not invited. Go grab a beer and watch some porn.

Pisces: Today you will die a horrible death. Better have a stiff drink.

Capricorn: Alcohol and pornography taxes will rise next year. Buy supplies in advance.

Libra: A friend of yours is feeling low. Go and get drunk with them. If you have many depressed friends, devote the whole weekend to it.

Cancer: Today is a day to invest in the future. You can’t buy love, but pornography is like love.

Sagitarius: Your job is in danger from your constant drinking. Plant some pornography on your boss’s computer.

Note: taking the predictions and recommendations of Mark’s Blog-o-scope seriously could have severe medical and social side-effects. Please remember that blogstrology is a science - no, is better than science - so you should always do what I say, even if your life will be put at risk.

If you can think of a star sign that is not included here, or you know the right order that they go in, please email Mark care of twisted hamster [dot] net.