Review: Charmz Guide to Rock Stardom
Do you want to become a member of the new Mattel-sponsored rock band ‘Charmz’? Visit charmz.com.au for details! Since I am in my twenties and not a girl, and thus ineligible to enter, I have chosen to review the accompanying Charmz Guide to Being a Rock Superstar to see exactly how accurate and realistic it is. For my personal qualifications, witness:
I’m the guitarist standing directly behind the lead singer. You can kinda see my shoulder and the top of my head. Fuckin photographers.
Okay, here we go:
1. Practice your singing each morning in the shower (using your shampoo bottle as a mic of course) ~ the perfect way to warm up your vocal cords for the day.
This is good advice. The warm and humid conditions in the shower are good for your voice. However, most professional singers prefer to sing into a frequent use conditioner bottle.
2. When you sing, think about your breathing. Singers need to take deep breaths to hit the high notes.
Half-true. Good breathing means a better and more consistent sound, and is just as important for low notes which require more power.
3. Practice makes perfect. Try grabbing your hairbrush and singing and dancing in front of the mirror (just make sure you lock the door to avoid any embarrassing walk-ins!)
Absolutely true. A remote control can also be a good substitute if your hairbrush is in the bathroom.
4. Don’t forget your fans. They’re the ones who got you where you are.
Not that you have any fans yet - you can’t even get into the venue because you’re only ten years old. In real life though, it’s true - having people who want to buy your CD and come to your shows is the only way to get anywhere. No, wait, you’re one of the Charmz now. You’re super-famous for no reason!
5. Customise your clothes to express your individuality. Add badges, buttons and jewels to your clothes to really funk them up!
And while you’re at it, perhaps you could write some songs?
6. Follow your dreams and believe in yourself. This is a surefire way to get to the top.
Bullshit. Following your dreams will leave you sad, miserable and alone. And if you have to believe in anyone, believe in your graphic designer.
7. Let your personality shine through. After all, this is what your fans love you for.
True, but it would help if your personality was a lot like everybody else’s. Try not to be too confronting or come off as miserable and depressed.
8. Ooze your own personal style. Whether it’s pop princess or rock chick, go with what describes you best.
And yes, it does have to be one of those two particular styles. What else are you going to be? Some hairy lesbian folk singer?
9. Rock on and have fun!
Brilliant. After a few years of poorly attended gigs, heavy equipment, frustration at your band members’ lack of talent and the gradual realisation that this will never be more than a hobby for you, you can look back and take comfort in this cheerful advice. Hey, at least you get a beer rider!
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Yes, I am diddling fine. How about you?
Comment by Clare — Thursday April 20 2006 @ 5:09 pm
Perplexed.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=diddling
Comment by Mark — Thursday April 20 2006 @ 5:16 pm
I, too, like to practice my sining in the shower - though I’m not normally awake enough to do it of a morning…
Comment by nailpolishblues — Thursday April 20 2006 @ 5:25 pm
Fuck, why don’t they put a spell checker in wordpress? It’s got every other bloody useless feature.
Comment by Mark — Thursday April 20 2006 @ 7:35 pm
It was so much funnier the other way.
Sure it’s not Freudian?
Comment by nailpolishblues — Thursday April 20 2006 @ 9:37 pm
I heard about that Charmz thing. I heard, and I sighed. Isn’t it bad enough that we have to have Shannon Noll being voted number one Male Artist at the FlemTV Music Awards? But to cast a bunch of Nikki Webster wannabes into a band that will no doubt ROB them of their childhood and turn them into Patty Duke pill popping pros is just too much.
Hilarious post btw. It made me belly laugh. I have linked you too now.
Comment by audrey — Friday April 21 2006 @ 1:09 am
Anyone with a butterfly-shaped amp should be beaten into a mud puddle and stomped dry.
Comment by Marcheline — Friday April 21 2006 @ 5:46 am
Curiously, no mention of sparkly scrunchies as gig wear. There’s got to be at least one sparkly scrunchy, right?
Oh, and don’t even get me started on the old crimping vs ringlet curls debate!
Comment by The Other Andrew — Friday April 21 2006 @ 9:22 am
Nail - sometimes a typo is just a typo
Audrey - not to mention how awful they’re going to sound
Marcheline - I was a bit miffed by that as well. I think the Marshall stack is sold seperately.
Andrew - Nup, flannel all the way I’m afraid. It has to be.
Comment by Mark — Friday April 21 2006 @ 3:39 pm
sometimes if u want to funk up ur clothes or ur upfit wouldn’t it make u look like a wannabe and it sometimes makes u look like a person who is a try hard and also wear clothes twice their age i mean my cousin who is 5 already wears nailpolish, makeup and has a handbag like my mum’s
i don’t even wear makeup and i’m twice her age.
Comment by halo — Saturday April 22 2006 @ 6:58 pm
I totally agree. Just be yourself and don’t try to copy anyone else :)
Comment by Mark — Sunday April 23 2006 @ 4:04 pm
Ooh comment removed…am I a spammer now?
Comment by Spleenie — Monday April 24 2006 @ 9:15 pm
I’m assuming not. No record of any other comments by you, I’m afraid - even in the spam list.
Comment by Mark — Tuesday April 25 2006 @ 4:18 pm
HOW DARE YOU BAG CHARMZ YOU ARE A BUNCH OF LOW LIFES I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU MADE A WHOLE PAGE OFF YOUR WEBSITE JUST BAGGING A NEW BAND WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE FOLLOWED THEIR DREAMS AND BELIEVED IN THEMSELVES- THE ONLY REASONS YOU NEVER HAD A DREAM IS BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T DESERVE TO. YOU ARE ALL BAD PEOPLE. SHAME ON YOU. JUST LISTEN TO YOUR IMMATURE SELVES WOULD YOU? GIVE THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS A CHANCE. THEIR VOICES ARE TRULY AMAZING. NOTHING TO DO WITH NIKKI WEBSTER. BEAUTIFUL, STUNNING, HAPPY GIRLS. GROW UP YOU LOSERS AND STOP BAGGING YOUNG GIRLS (WHO ARE NOT 10 MAY I ADD, THEY ARE 13, 14 AND 15) GET OFF YOUR OWN ASSES AND DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE.
Comment by I LOVE CHARMZ — Sunday December 17 2006 @ 2:08 pm
Whoa, so many capitals… I guess my aim when I wrote this was not to bag the Charmz (they weren’t even together at that point) but to point out that being in a rock band usually involves a lot of hard work and very little tangible reward, which isn’t how the Charmz Rock Superstar guide presented it. Nor did they mention the swearing, the drinking, the drugs or the fights. So I didn’t mean to be super-offensive, just to give the other side of the story. Anyone with the skill to make good music should totally be supported.
I still think butterfly-shaped amps will never catch on though…
Comment by Mark — Sunday December 17 2006 @ 5:33 pm