Although it’s shameful to admit, I am big fan of Border Patrol & Border Security. You know - the reality TV shows where it’s all about customs and quarantine? I understand the disastrous political implications of a show that’s all about protecting our way of life (whatever that may be) from foreigners, drug dealers and other supposed ne’er-do-wells, and therefore how uncool it is to watch it, but still I remain glued to the TV.

Except one thing I noticed with the start of the new series of Border Security (now sub-titled ‘Australia’s Front Line’) is how hyped up it is compared to the New Zealand version, Border Patrol. I’m talking about things like the story from the navy ship where they threaten an Indonesian fishing boat by firing lots of different machine guns at it, or the ones where you can tell the customs officers are prodding people to get more reaction out of them, explaining how badly the person messed up their form when they clearly understand it already. And there’s also those awful pumped-up ‘cominrightatcha’ voice-overs telling you that this is the ‘front line’ in some imaginary or metaphorical war against some imaginary or metaphorical foreign enemy.

The New Zealand series, by contrast, is far more relaxed. Most of the show is either Chinese people with undeclared food (no shit, they must just love carrying food with them everywhere) or twenty-somethings who forgot to take the joint of the backpack before flying. Once they found a cargo container with a couple of redbacks in it and that was an entire segment. No one is made out to be shifty or stupid, and even fairly serious offences are treated in a matter-of-fact manner. Even when it does get dramatic, things are usually portrayed as ‘tough customs officer vs. dumb dopesmoking airline passenger’ rather than ‘us vs. foreigners’. It’s also easier on the eyes and ears that Australian version because it doesn’t have that intrusive (shall we say American?) audiovisceral edge to it.

So, while I’m still quite enamoured with it, Border Security: A.F.L. just isn’t cutting the mustard. Even the Kiwis, who have crap telly as far as I’m concerned, can do better. Fair enough, in a climate of escalating fear and misplaced nationalism it’s par for the course, but all us folks who just wanted to check out the ingenious ways people smuggle drugs can do without it.

(BTW, speaking of stuff that was better last year - is House getting worse and worse, or is it just the way that Channel 10 does the promos that make it look pukey?)