Q:
I wrote this while waiting for my plane. There was a couple next to me in the departure lounge who had a conversation that went a bit like this:
Him: How many drunk guys come up to you in bars? Heaps of them. But I don’t mind because I trust you.
Her: *mumble*
Him: See - I trust you, but you don’t trust me. You don’t.
Her: *mumble* *looks off into the distance*
So, what is trust? A few ideas:
1) Trust is a word that links the benefits of cheating with the costs of losing the relationship you already have.
2) Trust is a gift given to you by someone who realises you might want to cheat but doesn’t want to, or can’t, force you to stay with them.
3) Perhaps the minimal hypothesis: trust is a set of conditions that allows someone to cheat on you.
These definitions apply to trust in relationships, but if you change a few words they could apply to all kinds of trust. I’m still not sure which is the best though, or if all three should be rolled together.
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The big variable in all of this is how you define the essence of human nature: as inherently good, bad or a combination of both.
Comment by James — Saturday November 25 2006 @ 11:30 am
It’s not about good/bad, it’s about strong/weak.
People don’t usually cheat because they’re bad, they do it because they’re weak.
Everyone goes on about trust in relationships - why does nobody ever mention emotional strength or integrity? :/
Comment by serrin — Saturday November 25 2006 @ 3:21 pm
Trust and relationships… oh god. There never seems to be enough trust, and it always stems from things like insecurity, selfishness and control. Such a waste of energy.
Comment by Mish — Saturday November 25 2006 @ 10:52 pm
Trust has much more to do with what someone knows about themselves than it does with how trustworthy the other person actually is.
If someone distrusts you, it’s more likely because they are untrustworthy themselves.
I also had a standard line, back in my dating days. “If you don’t trust me, then why would you want to go out with me?” Followed closely with “Goodbye.”
It was a very effective way of weeding through the cheaters who tried to make up for it by being suspicious.
And, finally, I’d have to say trust - real trust - is not about thinking the other person is perfect. It’s being confident that they have your best interests at heart, all the time. That if there is a problem or a temptation, they will come to you and discuss it first, rather than acting first and letting you find out later.
Bear and I have a saying regarding our relationship- “No one gets in”. It means we come first with each other, every time. No relative, no friend, no outsider comes between us.
- M
Comment by marcheline — Sunday November 26 2006 @ 1:16 am
James - I have a feeling that human nature isn’t inherently anything, but is decided on when we figure out what things like trust mean to us.
Serrin - I think you’re expected to have integrity from the get-go, but trust is maybe a bit more subtle in the development? I mean, it’s not immediately obvious the role that trust plays and what it can contribute to a relationship. But yeah, I think integrity and strength are more fundamental.
Mish - I’m not sure what you mean… people do love to carry on though, I can agree to that.
March - Woohoo! Voice of experience. That was quite well put I thought.
Comment by Mark — Sunday November 26 2006 @ 7:10 am