Below is a long and wanky literary comparison of some obscure music. Feel free to skip to the end where there are a couple of fun links.

I will now venture an opinion. In response to something Tom muttered at me last night during an obscenely good game of strip poker, I will now explain why I like Schvendes but not so much Nick Cave. Since my experience with both is pretty superficial, I reckon I will be shot down in flames, but anyway here goes.

The question is why, if both Nick Cave and Schvendes do murder ballads, aren’t they both pretty good? Murder ballads = good music, right? Well, I think there are three points that need to be made. First: Nick Cave plays Christian rock. I know you’re going say a whole lot of stuff about his religious imagery being metaphorical but I just don’t buy it. Sorry. Christian rock was cool when Dylan did it, but I don’t think we really need to go back there. Point number two: Rachel is a woman, and that’s something different when it comes to scary country music. She can’t be the first person to use that persona, but damn if it ain’t refreshing anyhow. And kinda hot.

Finally, three (and this is the big one): in a Nick Cave song there is always the possibility of redemption. It’s a conflict between good and evil; an epic contest for the man’s soul. With Schvendes on the other hand, there’s none of that manichean religiosity and need for redemption. There’s just violence with no meaning beyond the exercise of power over another person. Case in point: Nick Cave’s character kills Kylie’s character because “all beauty must die” - totally sophomoric to my mind - whereas ‘Oh Marlon’ ends with the eerily disaffected statement that “every man needs a hobby”. In other words, when a Nick Cave song is over, you know the world is a fucked-up and bad place but you have hope. At the end of a Schvendes song, you just want to hurt somebody. Schvendes is better.

Can I add a fourth point and say also that Rachel Dease never ruined a perfectly good Dirty Three track with her bad poetry? Oh, and to put it all right, two token concessions to Nick Cave on the grounds that he’s kinda okay: 1) His records are always beautifully produced whereas Schvendes tend to sound like crap on record. 2) The man wears some nice suits.

Now, if you’re feeling as bored and laconic as I am, you might want to check out Pitchfork’s top 25 worst album covers of 2006 (some of them are actually damn good) and Demonbaby’s second annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards.