Now, I’m not a disgusting or ugly person. I can say that with some authority. Perhaps you have to catch me on the right day, or in the right shirt, but if you start with the eyes that usually puts you on the right track. Yep - I’m a bit wonderful.

But I’m not infintely wonderful, and that’s what gets me down. Furthermore, if someone points this out to me, I have to find a way to respond with dignity and some of the poise that you’d expect from a guy like me. I have to say “yes, you’re right. I’m not so super that I can’t be beat”, in a way that shows that I am neither terribly depressed by the whole issue, and certainly not on my knees begging for approval.

Well that was where my draft stopped. I’m glad because it really sucked. I can be such a wanker when I write carefully. It’s like I pretend to be in control of everything but really I’m only in control of these words, and they are not my life. You probably have no idea of what I’m thinking.

Lu - I told her yesterday that I didn’t want to see her any more because I… well… ugh. I guess: she’s going to get married, and I can’t be hanging around her as if I were her groupie or admirer or something. It feels wrong. Worst of all, I’m afraid she’ll become another Her - always on my mind, but never in my arms. I can’t really live with that. I’m supposed to be older now.

I think was a bit extreme to say that I didn’t want to see her again - she would tell me I’m being melodramatic - but after ten years of knowing her I just don’t know what to do. The picture in my head of what a woman should be will probably always be a picture of her. I think if someone said that about me I would want to run away, so maybe if the two of us are running opposite directions things will work out better.

shinpaishinai. boku wa daijobu.

This post will be locked for comments. Don’t say it.

My mother sent away to amazon.com for a copy of ‘Political Theory and the Displacement of Politics’ that arrived, to my complete surprise, this morning. It is by Bonnie Honig, and though the conventional title might make it sound boring, it’s really a crazy book that would make most people spew up their own intestines. I will love it and take care of it and sleep with it under my pillow.

In other news, several almost-incredible things happened today:

1) I went to work and didn’t screw anything up.

2) I did a week’s worth of ironing in one go - without crying.

3) I had the wonderful idea of doing an intertextual essay on Elvis and the Violent Femmes, to show how the representation of the ‘troubled youth’ in rock music has changed over the years. I might even do it.

Isn’t that great?

There was good light today - everything looked kinda wonderful, and the grass was a decent winter kind of green. That kind of clean feeling. I went for a ride and stopped at Chris’s place - Chris, cleanest of all people - and we decided to go see the convention centre in Perth.

The convention centre was nothing special, but I bought a fuzzy headband ear-warmer for two bucks and now I’m happy. I had to take it off actually, because my ears were too warm. I also have lemon cheesecake fudge from Margaret River, but that’s a different story. It’s kinda gross.

Chris said that he might be moving out at the end of the year, and I’m thinking of living with him. I’m hoping to get in to UWA, so maybe we can find a place somewhere near there. But it’s a bit of a dream at the moment. Part of me is hoping I have to leave town to study.

Thinking, really thinking, of finding some blue jeans for that ’50s look.

Finding your happiness is very difficult. And when you *do* find it, you usually just lose it again.

It’s been an interesting year indeed. I’ve learnt a lot, come up with some ideas that will have me working very hard for the next few years and made a few good acquaintances to boot. Strictly speaking, it wasn’t that hard. Having summer holidays to work through was very useful.

Now, if you do want to read the darn thing - here it is. Go nuts. It’s not 100% solid, but I have no interest in fixing it up.

What’s in it?

Chapter 1 is Nietzsche on morality and ressentiment; Chapter 2 is Foucault and how he applied Nietzsche’s ideas in new and interesting ways; Chapter 3 is on Foucualt’s aesthetics of existence, which takes in the Care of the Self and some quotes from Fight Club. The big take-home point is that morality should be about becoming a good person, rather than obeying a bunch of flimsy and misleading ‘rational’ rules.

Now, so you know you’re getting a better deal than my assessors, I’d like to share with you my anti-thankyou list:

Parkin Print for printing my good copies on toilet paper for $80; and for making me show them how to use their computer. Alec @ Murdoch for never, ever being there when I needed his advice. Derek for asking the ‘tough questions’ in seminars. Dr. E Fischer for putting me to sleep. And, last but not least, my relatives over east - you drive me fucking crazy.

One last thing: to celebrate this achievement (ie. massage my ego), I have created a graduation wallpaper in 1024 x 768 format. It’s called ‘number one’. Get it - it’s blue.

Seeya :)

1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!     1!    

Yep, that’s me. Number 1. First class. Yayyyyyy :D

Although, it’s strictly unofficial at the moment.

~Mark Hamster BSc (Env. Sc.) BA (Phil) hon.

This was my bring-thing for Lubica’s party this afternoon. I hadn’t tried any before, but it’s the wine my boss drinks, and we always seem to sell out of it pretty quickly. I now understand why, because it is completely yummy. In fact, I found myself half-wishing that I had run off to Lu’s place to get smashed on it when I met her on the way up.

The wine is a sweet rosay (how do you do those little ‘e’s properly?) and super-fruity too. It went very well with strawberries and even with home-made salsa and corn chips. Those who like very dry wines might find it a bit ‘ick’, but those people suck, so who cares? Wine shouldn’t be painful all the time.

As a postscript to this; never get drunk with your teachers from uni. It’s hard to keep up the pretence of being intelligent when you just want to play with the cat and poke your tongue out at people. You will be tense and it will reduce your lifespan.

I hate to think of the hits I’m going to get from that title. Perhaps more than one type of hit, too.

Anyway, I now have an Amazon wishlist, so feel free to buy me stuff. Or not, I don’t really care. I figure wishlists are there for women with webcams, and since I have no cleavage to show off, I shouldn’t get my hopes up.

I’ve been a little bit ‘ugh’ this week, owing to a strange illness that is making me dizzy and tired but not actually sick in any decent way. Add three rehearsals of ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ by the Ramones and my voice and hearing are not very good either. I really need to sleep but thinking has been keeping me up -
I wonder about Her* and how she is,
and about how easily we all fall in love,
and about how bad we are at taking care of each other.

I think that love, as a word, is overrated. Desire, on the other hand, is always intentional (an action directed toward something). It is not something that floats around in the air, being traded by people, or something you can keep in your pocket. It is a fixation on an object of desire; it does not exclude other desires and it does not, in any way, guarantee our safety. There is no ‘true’ desire they way there is supposed to be a ‘true’ love.

So I’d rather talk about desire for now, because with others we’re always being conflicted; torn in two. Or three, or four.

*Her; an ex-girlfriend.

Lately, I too have been making up words. Here’s a brief list:

Buttprovement: an increase in the tone / shape of one’s butt. Eg. ’since Eleesha has started pilates, she has seen some incredible buttprovement.’

Thingamatunity: an opportunity offered by a thingamajig. Eg. ‘I missed Canning Highway, so I’ll leave the freeway at the next thingamatunity.’

Foodovers: leftovers of food. Eg. ‘I can’t be bothered cooking so I’ll eat these foodovers instead’. There is no real point to using this word, except that it sounds tastier than ‘leftovers’.

Anyway, we went to see Faust last night. It was really good, and even better than Carmina Burana because there were surtitles that you could read, and we had seats where we got to see most of the action. We were all a bit disappointed by Faust, who was really old and had no sex appeal whatsoever (you could see why he needed to make a pact with the devil to get laid), but Marguerite and Mephistopheles kicked butt. So did Siebel, who was played by a woman since there are no castradi in Perth or, indeed, anywhere.

The funniest bits where were when Valentin toasted Marguerite, and all the other soldiers toasted her too (she was so the village bicycle, despite constantly claiming to be pure and virginal), and when the soldiers came back from war and there was one with a head injury who stood there staring at the audience for the whole scene. The best bit, though, was when they sneakily moved the choir into the upper circle for the last act - that’s where the angels are singing from heaven - and when they started singing everyone was like ‘huh? wha? where are they coming from? Oh man, whoa!!’. It was quite amazing.

aND iN oTHER nEWS, Eleesha told me last night that Tomas and her are planning to have a child. Can you believe that? She’s off the pill already and taking buttprovement classes so that she’ll be better able to carry the unborn rugrat. Tomas hasn’t said anything about it yet but I assume he’s okay with the idea and not being held hostage. Imagine Tomas as a dad, though. That’s scary. I mean, the guy rides around Freo on a scooter and lives on cheese-on-toast. I wonder if he’ll change much over the next few years?

Hiya there folks. Wow, this must be the first time I haven’t blogged the meetup on the same night. I’m feeling a bit slack, y’know? So, like, I thought Miss Mauds was going to be a coffee shop, but it was actually a restauraunt, and it was completely packed when we got there so we were going to go somewhere else, but then everybody left and it was OK. I think they didn’t like us because we took up their biggest table and only ordered chips and hot chocolate, but whatever.

The people who came along were Bret, David, Robot CORE, Liz (formerly Myrtle McMagnet), Marisa, and Anthony. We talked about the upcoming blog seminar, which already has a venue and key presenters, about Jack van Tongeren, and about how to find a bush pig when you really need one. It was fun.

So, er, make sure you come to the next one, ‘yall.